Snarkster

Jaws 2

Tue, 28 Jun 2005 07:54:22 GMT

More evidence to support what I've been saying all along: teenagers just taste better.

Shark attacks 2nd teen off Fla. panhandle

(Note to local vendors: selling seal-shaped wetsuits to tourists is bad enough. You don't need to throw in free chum-scented sunblock)

Ten thousand arrested for flag desecration

Tue, 28 Jun 2005 07:49:38 GMT

Veterans, Boy Scouts, and Kidd Rock jailed

Washington - More than 10,000 fugitives from justice have been captured in a nationwide, pre-dawn dragnet involving federal, state, and local authorities, said the U.S. Marshals service, which led the effort.

Operation 'Iraqi Distraction' marks the largest number of arrests ever recorded during a single operation.

Of priority: suspects wanted for flag burning, flag descretion, flag wearing, incorrect flag orientation, and mumbling the pledge of alliegience.

"We will use all of our nation's law-enforcement resources to serve and protect innocent flags everywhere" Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said.Among those arrested in the raids were members of the Veterans of Foreign Wars, Elks Lodge, Marine Corps Honor Guards, and sobbing Boy Scouts. "These criminal organizations have been engaged in ritual flag burning for years," said Gonzales.

A spokesman for the VFW said "First, Section 8k of the flag ettiquette states when the flag is no longer fit for display, it should be destroyed in a dignified way, preferably by burning. Second, the proposed Amendment must first be passed by the Senate and then ratified by 38 states before it can be enforced. These arrests aren't even legal!"

Gonzales dismissed the criticism, explaining that the constitution has never stopped the White House from from doing what's right. He further added that the "new paradigm" in the war on flag terrorism "renders obsolete the [constitution's] quaint protections of [freedom of speech]."

Also included in the government sweeps were Kid Rock and hundres of US olympics athletes, including Mary Lou Retton.

A spokesman for the Justice Department replied "Section 8d clearly states that the flag should never be used as apparel. Olympic uniforms are no exception."Responding to the arrest of Mary Lou Retton, a Justice Department spokesman added "Hollywood liberals may call her 'America's Sweetheart', but at the Bush White House she's just another 'flag descretating terrorist.'"

Also arrested were thousands of private citizens, shop owners, and stadium managers for incorrectly displaying the flag. "If you hang the flag for display" said one FBI informant, "the blue section with stars must be positioned at the top left corner. Otherwise, you might as well be hanging it upside down. Friggin' commies."

"The flag was hanging correctly when viewed from inside" explained one anonymous shop owner. "But the men in the flag enforcement van didn't see it that way. Next thing I know, they're shooting tear gas and water cannons. We surrendered after they started blaring Christian rock."

When asked to explain the need for the law, Rep. Randy (Duke) Cunningham, R-Calif explained it was a question of leadership, values and priorities.

"Ask the men and women who stood on top of the (World) Trade Center. Ask them and they will tell you: pass this amendment."

When asked, the men and women who stood on top of the World Trade Center said "actually, we'd like to keep the federal aid promised for health related problems associated with inhaling toxic substances despite government assurances it was safe." They added "a flag amenment ranks in importance with painting the fire trucks yellow and flea-dipping Spot."

Utah Sen. Orrin Hatch said the likelihood of Senate approval was "excellent [...] This year shows we have the best chance we've ever had."

"The flag is our national symbol," Hatch said in an interview. "We have young men dying and young women dying over in Iraq and Afghanistan as we speak. We're fighting for the principles that flag represents".

God, Country, Republicanism, Halliburton, and hyping a non-existent crisis for cheap political gain.The bottom line, Hatch explained, you cannot wrap yourself in the flag if people are setting fire to it. "Unless" he said after a long pause "we start making them out of Kevlar!"

Flag makers, however, opposed the law. "Burn all the flags you want" said one textile manufacturer, "our sweatshops will make more!"

Wed, 15 Jun 2005 08:06:56 GMT

A reprinted story from January 2005. Snarkster answers reader questions regarding the Indonesian Tsunami of December, 2004.

Editor's note: Snarkster.com understands and appreciates that disasters can cause stress and anxiety among readers. Therefore we are providing our readers with our special "IN PERSPECTIVE" coverage to help place this disaster within a broader context, address specific reader concerns, as well as place special emphasis on positive developments from this tragedy.

Link to a cool, 3D image of the tsunami propagating throughout the region

Animation of the Indonesia tsunami (Credit: NOAA, via Wikipedia)

Killer tsunamis

In Perspective

December 27, 2004 | Waikiki, Hawaii -- The most powerful earthquake in 40 years struck off the coast of Indonesia, triggering killer tidal throughout coastal regions of the Indian Ocean.

What exactly are "killer tsunamis"?

According to Wikipedia, tsunami comes from the Japanese word ??, meaning "harbor wave" (elbow-elbow, wrist-wrist, middle-finger).1 A tsunami is a series of deep water ocean waves that can occur after significant seismological activity in or near the ocean, such as: earthquakes; volcanic activity; impacts from comets, meteorites, and Russian satellites; landslides; fjord avalanches ("fjord-spløshen"), self-destructing undersea supervillain lairs; and unusually large whale orgies.

It's difficult to comprehend the magnitude of this disaster. Could you put this into everyday perspective?

Map highlights regions affected by the tsunamis

The death toll continues to rise daily. At the time this article was being written, the estimates of the number of lives lost are surpassing 150,000.

According to Undersecretary-General Jan Egeland stated "we may only know the full effects of this tremendous emergency in weeks from now," noting that "more and more disasters" are being uncovered as rescue officials reach new places.2

Map highlights regions not affected by the tsunamis. Antarctica (not shown here) was also not affected. However emperor penguins were reported to be 'less frolicky' than usual.

But to put things in perspective, 100,000 lives constitutes a mere 0.0015% of the earth's estimated population of 6.4 billion people (source: United Nations Population Fund) or just 1 in 6 cars that pass daily through the Los Angeles 405 freeway between the 101 and I-10.3 In other words, still not enough to improve your commute time.

Could this happen where I live?

The giant killer tsunami will sweep inland for miles until it reaches your neighborhood. Repent before it's too late.

The question isn't if a giant killer tsunami will strike where you live, but when4, according to Burt Dinsdale of the disaster research center at the University College of West Swindon. "It's a common misperception that the threat from tsunamis is limited to coastal regions," said Dinsdale.

"Ocean originating tsunamis are not the only threat. Giant killer walls of water can also unexpectedly strike near lakes, rivers, flood plains, mountains, or really any place where it rains or horny whales congregate. Tsunamis can travel far inland, like runaway freight trains of doom packed with evil hobos. Remember, they killed off all the dinosaurs - the swimming and flying ones, too, not just the stubby-armed T-Rex. They would have destroyed humanity itself, had it not been for Noah and his arc. Tsunamis, that is, not evil hobos."

Why do disasters like this happen?

According to Marine Biologist Joseph Martin of the Bob Jones University, tsunamis happen for the same reason most bad things happen "liberals cheesed-off God."

Shlomo Amar, Israel's Sephardi chief rabbi said, "This is an expression of God's great ire with the world. The world is being punished for wrongdoing." 5 "It's no coincidence", says Amar, "that none of the victims were Jews."

American Christian fundamentalist blogger Bill Koenig writes that "the Biblical proportions of this disaster become clearly apparent upon reports of miraculous Christian survival." 6 Koenig cites the example of former German Chancellor Helmut Kohl who was vacationing in Sri Lanka. "The straw-thatched huts that line Sri Lanka's coastline disintegrated in the wrathful waters of divine vengeance."

"Yet" Koenig writes "miraculously the waters spared the former head of the Christian Democratic Party, leaving him safe and unharmed in his penthouse suite at a local five star resort spa. God be praised." (emphasis by Koenig)

Shortly after the tsunami struck, eyewitnesses reported that Kohl was lifted up into the sky and spirited away to safety.7 "It was nothing short of a miracle," said one eyewitness "that the government would divert a helicopter from much needed search and rescue operations to transport one white man and a Swedish masseuse to safety. I may not have my family, food, or medicine - but at least I have the consolation of knowing that a white man's vacation was not completely ruined."

Confronted with the inescapable fact that Westerners were killed, Koenig writes "I have every confidence that the few Westerners killed by the tsunami were either directly or indirectly involved in the drug trade, sex tourism, paganism, liberalism, pedophilia, or Catholicism. Not to be redundant."

Is it wrong to bet on the final death toll?

Yes. Very wrong. The under-over bet has been out of the money since Tuesday.

Will anything good come this disaster?

The next time you finish a quiet, uninterrupted meal with your family, take a few moments to take stock of your blessings: the area along India's east coast that was hardest hit by tsunamis was home to the world's largest telemarketing center.

[see first post for sources]

Caption this!

Thu, 02 Jun 2005 07:52:55 GMT

Caption this!

(post your idea for a caption)

Poll: Bush approval mark nears low

Wed, 01 Jun 2005 07:38:09 GMT

On domestic issues, the president's approval ratings are at an all-time low -- 40 percent of respondents approve of his work on the economy and 33 percent approve of his plans for Social Security changes.

Uh-oh. You know what this means:

(Thanks to ImageShack for the free image hosting!)

terrorist attack;
war; or
releasing Saddam Hussein so we can capture him again.

Personally, I'm pulling for option number three. Really it's a no-brainer. First, we let Saddam loose on the insurgents (clearly he's about the only guy who can keep order in that country). Second, we appoint Saddam as our chief negotiator to Iran. They'll go solar power over night. Third, we give Saddam two weeks head start and a video recorder so he can provide the media with a steady stream of abusive, megalomaniacal tirades. When Saddam is recaptured (right before the midterm elections) he can go on to serve as the US ambassador to the UN.

Tue, 31 May 2005 07:55:02 GMT

Caption this!

(post your idea for a caption as a comment)

Memorial Day, Arlington National Cemetery

Mon, 30 May 2005 21:00:10 GMT

Bush: America Will Honor Fallen Soldiers

ARLINGTON, Va. -- Quoting letters of the fallen from the war in Iraq, President Bush vowed Monday to a Memorial Day audience of military families and soldiers in uniform that the nation will honor its dead by striving for peace and democracy, no matter what the cost.

"We must honor them by completing the mission for which they gave their lives; by defeating the terrorists," the president told a supportive crowd of several thousand people at Arlington National Cemetery.

Following the ceremony, the Secret Service promptly arrested everyone in attendance taking pictures of the flag draped coffins.

Asked why the US government was hiding the coffins of US servicemen killed in Iraq, an anonymous Pentagon employee replied "it started as an Easter tradition. It caught on. Frankly, dead servicemen are kind'uv a downer. You feel bad, especially if you dodged the draft yourself. The thrill is in making the case for war and making wildly optimistic predictions, not keeping track of the costs of dead and wounded, yet alone reading and signing each individual condolence letter."

Top 6 - slogans for the National ID card

Mon, 30 May 2005 16:45:40 GMT

6. Like a nosey neighbor, Big Brother is there
5. Can't leave home without it.
4. What happens in Guantanamo stays in Guantanamo
3. [slogan redacted for national security]
2. Jingle "We know when you are sleeping, we know when you're awake..."
1. Arbeit macht frei

(please feel free to post other ideas!)

Gran Prissy

Mon, 30 May 2005 03:08:10 GMT

Robby Gordon says Danica Patrick's weight (100 lbs.) is an unfair advantage in the Indianapolis 500 and said Saturday he will not compete in the race again unless the field is equalized.

"The lighter the car, the faster it goes," Gordon said. "Do the math. Put her in the car at her weight, then put me or Tony Stewart in the car at 200 pounds and our car is at least 100 pounds heavier.

Gordon explained "If we don't draw the line here, it's only a matter of time before the racing world is swarming with midgets. Anorexic, female midgets. Or worse, buggy-eyed midget babies with good reflexes."

Asked why he had not complained about the penis equipped pole winner Tony Kanaan's 50 lbs. weight advantage, Gordon explained "It' different. Tony's a guy. We go way back. With Danica - well, it's just unfair. No way I can suck in my gut all 500 miles."

IRL not ready to measure Danica's weight advantage. The IRL does not consider the weight of the driver in its race specifications. While cars must weigh a minimum of 1,525 pounds before the fuel and driver are added, drivers are not weighed.

Gordon's response to the IRL was swift. "If there's one thing I've learned being a Republican it's this: if the rules work against you, call your opponent a cheater and change the rules."

[see first post for results]

Top 6 - reasons men miss the toilette

Sun, 29 May 2005 16:54:10 GMT

6. Too tall, too dark, and too drunk
5. Going for distance
4. Marking territory
3. Hey, you said kill the spider!
2. Date going poorly
1. Spontaneous Riverdance!