Since 4 o'clock this morning I've been obsessing on this blog. It took 8 hours to figure out how to change the title I screwed up and then- true to form- it wasn't me that "figured it out" -it was the sweet idiot savante (his words not mine) across the street who came to my rescue. He must think I'm insane. I called him and said, "Alex, I'm having kind of a nervous breakdown and I've been trying to set up a blog for over 8 hours, do you think you could help me before I come undone?" and before you could say Drama Queen he was at my door and God love him- he did it. He changed my title. My god-given name is no longer my blog title right there for the whole world (mostly my mother should she ever figure out how to turn on a computer) to see. What a relief. Now I can get started obsessing on writing instead of veins and arteries, calcification and plaque, CT scans and Angiograms and food, food, food. All I can say is, thank God Al Gore invented the internet or I'd still be lying in a puddle of sweat in my bed lamazing my way through another panic attack! I take back every damning thing I've said about how computers are ruining our lives because just maybe this- opening the word vein, literally "giving it to the universe"- will help me save my life.
This is my 4th miracle in less than 24 hours. The first was that last night I stepped on the brand new Madagascar DVD (including the bonus feature: The Penguins In a Christmas Caper) that was hiding under the kids blanket and the DVD didn't break. Even the case remained totally intact. Miracle Number 2- I flopped down on the couch with my husband last night to catch a little of Greer Garson in Random Harvest and didn't squash my husband's new glasses(replacing his umpteenth lost glasses) despite them coming in contact with the side of my significant left thigh. Miracle Number 3 is that today is Day 4 without my drugs. I've been clean 4 entire days. Granted this was a forced withdrawl, what with the vomiting, diarrhea, chest pain and being in the hopsital and all. I suppose technically the first 3 days with the IV drip don't exactly count as being clean because I couldn't have gotten room service to bring me anything other than a clear liquid even if I'd had a gun. But still, this is my new tack, I am going to look for the miracles and claim them, even if I have to stretch it a bit. My mother says there are no miracles, but I know she's wrong. "Take a look around you" she says and I know what she means. But still. Still. When I was in the hospital the first day I suddenly heard a sweet little sound over the intercom- something like Tinkerbell's fairy dust being sprinkled in Peter Pan. The nurse told me the hospital does that whenever a baby is born and the thought that a new life had just enetered the world made me weep. When I said this to my mother she said, "Yea- but look at the crazy world that baby's coming into" and when I told my husband how touched I'd been by the fairy dust sound he said, "Yea- it's great unless your baby has just died" and you'd think I'd have thought of that having delivered a dead baby right around the corner in that very same hospital 13 years ago. But truthfully, thinking about that- about even my lifeless, tiny little baby boy- I thought "miracle". Miracle. And I'm thinking Miracle still. Day 4 and not a single jelly donut, chocolate croissant, sunshine roll, french creme horn, chocolate chip cheesecake swirl muffin, whoopie pie, wild berry poptart, double stuff oreo, Hershey's with Almond bar, or peanut butter cup has crossed my lips. It seems the only way I know to not eat is to write. So, here I am writing, not eating. The other way I know to not eat is to sleep so I guess that's what I'll do next.
2:12:07 PM 
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