I think I can, I think I can...
I'm going in to work today for a few hours and I'm having an anxiety attack! I had to turn around and come back- I'd forgotten my tea bags and saltines with peanut butter which has become my focus in life. It's like they have magical power and I was afraid if I didn't have them with me I'd find myself roaming the aisles at Brooks for butterfinger bits and hersheys kisses. Oh God- I have some in my drawer at work.
I'm afraid to leave my house. Afraid to drive by Dunkin Donuts, to walk near the Hot Spot, to go to Atlantic where I get my daily whoopie pie. I'm not sure I can work and not use those things to get through the day. What if it's either work/keep our house/eat shit OR quit/blog/drink tea/peacefully at home??
I have to get in my car and drive. But I didn't have the heart to do it until I blogged first. When I was little and afraid to leave my house without my mother, throwing up everywhere she tried to make me go, so anxious in the world I could barely stand to be in my own skin. She used to read me that stupid train story over and over- you know- the I think I can one. Like that was going to begin to cover the shit we had going on in our 4 walls there at home. But still- I guess it was something. It was what she knew to do I guess. And here it is 40 years later- popping back into my mind when I have that-can't-go out-there- the-world-is-not-safe-for-me feeling, so I guess it was better than nothing!
I'm off into the dangerous world of donuts and candy and coffee and french fries and whoppie pies but I don't go alone. I go with my citrus green tea and a few wild berry bags just in case the going gets really rough.
I'd really like a gin and tonic. When I didn't eat like a nut I drank like a fish. It's always got to be something like I said. It's probably good that the heart scare is really scary because I wasn't even tempted to drink. I gave that up when I had children though I really only traded in I guess. Still, there's no point in dwelling on that. I've got to go to work, tea bags in hand.
10:32:39 AM 
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