Death by Donut
I am feeling more than sorry for myself. I haven't found a miracle in days. I'm too tired and too discouraged. I don't want to write because all I can seem to do is whine and complain. But not writing has led first to cookie dough, then to the actual cookies, then brownie dough, then some pop tarts, then some sugar wafers, then some chocolates, then some more cookies, a little pie, and then today- the bottom of the barrel- Dunkin Donuts. I bought munchkins for a family on my caseload. I felt I had to take them something because my sitter has been sick all week and I had to take Walker with me to work today while I visited them. Talk about feeling like a loser- I am going to have to quit this job and I am so worried about how I will be without it. Not just the money, which is so out of control now I don't even try to make sense of it. Elliott is always saying we're going to lose the house so I guess my piddly little income isn't exactly saving the day. But before babysitting became impossible to find I felt like working had saved my sanity. But now- this week was the straw that broke the camel's back. Every day has been a nightmare of juggling- Elliott staying home from work, me going in late, leaving early, begging friends, neighbors- mere aquaintances- to watch Walker. Because I can send my older son to a friends house, but people aren't lining up to watch a busy little 8 year old with Down Syndrome and a developing behavior disorder. You know how they say "it takes a village?" well when you have a kid with special needs it takes a metropolis and the irony is that there isn't even a street. If Walker is going to go somewhere (with the exception of a few good friends who can occasionally watch him) it is going to cost me 10-15 dollars an hour. It really hit me last winter when Blair and I had to pay about 40 dollars to go to a wake. When I go to a doctor's appointment it's 15 dollars for the copay and then another 30 for the sitter. Who can go out to a movie or out to eat when you have to save all your money to pay for the pleasure of going to a funeral or having a pap smear??
See what I mean about the whining?
Not to mention the screaming. I have been so nasty to the boys tonight. I hate it when I'm a crappy mother. I just feel so alone and I take it out on them. It's not their problem. They are just being kids. It's not their fault I can hardly ever find a sitter anymore, it's not their fault I have to pay the sitters I can find more than I actually bring home after taxes, it's not their fault the Lipitor I'm taking seems to be giving me terrible muscle and joint pain, it's not their fault their father wishes he were traveling the world not living in our stinky little house, it's not their fault the toilet is broken, that the caulking has peeled off the tub, that the tub is now leaking into the kitchen, that the house is falling apart and that I don't know how the fuck to make any money and take care of myself and take care of these children God must have thought I could take care of. That is if God has anything to do with anything which sometimes I just really doubt. And if Hesh* does then I think Hesh is sometimes just the slightest bit cruel or at the very least inept. I know I shouldn't say that and it's just totally against my find-the-miracles program to be so negative about God but I guess I'm just pretty pissy today.
*Hesh is what my older son decided to call God today. He had the nerve to say to me that since God made Adam first and made Eve second- AND out of Adam (what a stupid, patriarchal story)then God is obviously a man and the earth is obviously male. I threw quite a little fit and said not so fast there future misogynist. I explained as sweetly as I could muster that in Genesis it says that God created Adam AND Eve in his image. I said to my son- if we are ALL made in the made in the image of God then God is both male and female. Which he found perfectly reasonable and then said, "Well then- shouldn't God be called HeShe instead of He. No, wait- it should be Hesh(that's a long e, as in He)he decided. I liked that. Hesh. Sometimes I just can't find God. Or the miracles or really much of anything except worry over money and so many, many regrets and a deep deep wish that I could make my husband happy. I love my boys- all three of them- and yet I seem so powerless to help any of them. May God help me if that is how hesh works!!
7:39:11 PM 
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